


Don't Bother Calling (I'll Call You)

by FallacyFallacy



Category: Archie Comics & Related Fandoms, Archie Comics (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aphobia, Aromantic Asexual Jughead Jones, Aromisia, Canon Relationships, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friendship, Gen, Light Angst, POV First Person, Questioning character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:30:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallacyFallacy/pseuds/FallacyFallacy
Summary: I have no idea how Archie keeps getting himself into these situations, but somehow he's managed to drag me along for the ride this time. So I guess that's what we're doing now - pretending to all of our friends that we're dating.It's completely dumb, obviously. Nobody will ever believe it.





	Don't Bother Calling (I'll Call You)

**Author's Note:**

> Please note the tags - this is an aromantic!Jughead fic, so there won't be any Jughead/Archie shippy content.
> 
> Title from Moses Sumney's [Don't Bother Calling](https://genius.com/12798877), which is honestly _way_ too dreamy for Jughead, but a lot of the aro feels of it definitely resonate in this fic.

I’m halfway through Planet Mysterium and my fourth bag of chips for the day when Archie knocks on my door.

(I know it’s him. Nobody else sounds so panicked just knocking at a damn door.)

Luckily for him, the fight against Captain Ajax is way easier than certain forum posts has made it out to be, so it’s no trouble just to pause it for a moment and see what’s up. 

The moment I open the door, Archie cries “Juggie – you have to go out with me!”

I raise my eyebrows, considering.

“No.”

Before I can react further, Archie’s hand shoots forward to cling to the doorframe. “Not _for real!_ ” he wails.

I groan. “When this is the way you start the conversation, you’re not giving me a lot of faith it’s gonna get any better.”

“Please – you have to listen to me. This is really important.”

I eye him over.

He looks flustered, all right – but then again, when doesn’t he? It’s always hard to tell with Archie whether this is one of those ‘I accidentally screwed up something really major, whoopsies!’ times or one of those ‘my life will literally end unless I can get this girl interested in smooching me’ times.

Against my better instincts, I let him through. “Start talking.”

He nods solemnly, following through and seating himself on the couch. Barely even glances at Planet Mysterium, the jerk.

“So, okay. You know how Veronica’s been hanging out with that girl lately? And it’s been gettin’ all kinda flirty-like?”

“Veronica?” I fall to the couch beside him, grabbing another handful of chips. “Nope, can’t say I noticed.”

“Well, she was saying that she wanted to like explore her sexuality and all? And she was really opening up to me! Which is a really good sign, y’know – I know she’s attracted to me, but I want something deeper than that! It has to be true love!”

“And your great plan for that is to make yourself unavailable to her.”

“Exactly!” Archie brightens immediately. “You get it!”

It’s so hard not to lower my face into my hands right now. “That was a joke.”

Archie wilts again. “No, it – well, there’s more to it. I kind of… may have ended up saying that I was actually thinking about similar things lately? And that I might also potentially be kind of open to trying out new things? And she asked for an example, and I may have said your name, and I may have started talking about how actually I was thinking of asking you out...”

“Which you did,” I say between chews. “And I rejected you. Case closed.”

“No, but here’s the thing! When I said that, she got this...really interesting look in her eyes. Almost like she was, I dunno, jealous…?”

Of course.

“Didn’t you say ten seconds ago you know she’s attracted to you already?”

“Yeah, and this is how I get things beyond that!” Archie leans forward excitedly. “I mean, she’s doing the same thing with this girl, probably – it’s all kind of a game! You got to play hard to get!”

“Wow.”

“Just – I know it probably doesn’t make sense to you.”

“I dispute the ‘to you’ part.” But then I frown. “Though actually, having seen how everyone else in our group gets, maybe I shouldn’t.”

“But this could be the thing! What finally brings her to me, for good!”

That’s not much of an incentive. In fact, all things considered, Archie and Veronica shacking up might just be the worst case scenario.

Finally, Archie sighs. “I’ll make it worth your while. I’ve been working a lot of part time jobs lately, and I have a lot of spare cash...”

“You buy most of my food for me already.”

“At Pop’s, sure. But, weren’t you talking just the other day about that amazing-looking new steak restaurant that just opened up…?”

I swallow, thickly.

I could see it clearly in my head – the red, juicy cute of beef, sizzling joyously on the posters. The heaping mountain of creamy mashed potato. The succulent blue cheese sauce, mixing in with the luscious pink meat juices…

I close my eyes.

“...so what’re you thinking, here?”

“Nothing too intense!” Archie responds immediately. “Just, we pretend to date for a while – maybe a few weeks at most – and then when Veronica can’t contain herself any longer, whoop! We break up, and say it was all just something we were trying out which didn’t work! It’s not even _that_ much of a lie!”

“It is,” I say. “It is a complete, total lie. Not to mention completely unbelievable.”

Archie frowns. “Is it, really? I mean, we’re good friends, right?”

“Then you’d be satisfied being _good friends_ with Veronica?”

Archie shrugs, unconvinced, and an idea hits me.

I smirk.

“And, well, if we’re doing this, I guess we’ll have to be seeing that patented Archie lovey-dovey behaviour, huh?”

Archie blinks. “Uh...”

My arms swing over, sliding around his shoulders as I sigh theatrically.

“Oh, my dearest, darlingest Archie! I can hardly bear to be apart from you for a mere five minutes! You are the most handsome, talented man in all of Riverdale!”

“Please stop,” Archie says.

“But why, however can I, when my truest of true loves Archiekins is right beside me!” I squeeze his shoulder against mine and despite his forced pout, he’s already snorting. “How could I act any other way, when this is the inevitable consequence of infatuation – and with my dear Archie I am so!”

“Stop! Stop!” Archie pushes me away with a laugh. “This is beyond disturbing. Please don’t do that in front of anyone else?”

I bat my eyelashes coyly. “No promises!”

Archie sighs, but more than anything, he looks grateful.

*

Next morning, I get dressed, eat breakfast, and think it all over.

As ridiculous as the plan sounds, Archie does have a point – when it comes to romance, people get _weird_. The kind of stuff I’ve seen people pull just to get attention from someone they’re into truly blows my mind. So hey, why not attract someone by pretending to date someone else? It’s not any weirder than anything else I’ve seen.

Try as I might, though, I cannot believe that anybody else is gonna fall for this. Archie must’ve only brought my name up because it was the first to come to mind – and we’re best friends, so that makes sense. But the idea of _me_ dating anybody has surely gotta ring some alarm bells. Me and Archie? Miss Moneybags’d die before admitting defeat to _me_. And if Archie’s dumb enough to try and fool Betty with this, he deserves whatever he gets.

I nod firmly to myself around a forkfull of eggs. Poor, desperate Archie, gotten himself stuck in another sticky situation entirely effected by a surfeit of hormones. The least I could do is humour him for a while – let him see the hopelessness of the plan on his own.

Though, it occurs to me later, as school comes into my sight - if this thing lasts just for a day or two, that wouldn’t be so bad. Would be nice to actually have a proper claim over the guy for once instead of always having to play second fiddle.

For that reason, when I catch eyes with Archie in the yard, I’m already smiling.

“Juggie!” Archie grabs my arm to drag me over where he was standing with Betty and Veronica.

“Morning.” 

“Actually, I have something of an announcement to make right now!”

Boy, that’s quick. But where Princess Lodge is concerned, Archie’s already shown he’ll go any distance.

“What’s that?” Betty asks innocently.

Archie shifts his hand, putting it around my shoulder. Not sure I appreciate it under the circumstances, but whatever.

“Juggie and I...are actually going out now!”

Betty and Veronica stare.

I nod, eyes closed. Here it comes…

“No way.” The sheer anger in Veronica’s tone has me smirking even before I catch sight of her indignant expression. “Seriously? You _actually_ said yes?!”

Betty’s eyes are so, so wide. “Said yes…?” she repeats faintly.

Huh. To be honest, I hadn’t expected to get even this far. But Archie is nodding his head very insistently, so I offer up “yeah, sure.”

If anything, Veronica now looks even more offended. “ _Sure?!_ ”

“Haha, you know Juggie – doesn’t like to give anything away!” Archie says nervously.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m… very serious about it.” I nod again, solemnly. “Why, when my...dearest, darling Archiekins expresses his heartfelt feelings to me so, how could I respond otherwise!”

Veronica looks like she’s about to explode and I can’t stop grinning.

“I know he’s joking, but about what…?” Betty murmurs, sounding faint.

“Haha,” Archie says.

“This makes _no_ sense. Weren’t you meant to be asexual?” Veronica tries again. “I distinctly remember being informed that.”

“Asexuals can still date!” Archie responds immediately.

“Hey, what’s everyone arguing about?” And then there’s Kevin, and I guess we’re doing this now.

“Archiekins and I are dating,” I pronounce.

Kevin gasps much more loudly than is really necessary – and then beams like it’s Christmas.

“Seriously?! Haha, no way – I kinda thought it was possible, but not so suddenly!”

Wait. What?

“Yeah! Y’know, we’ve just been good friends for so long,” Archie says, fingers digging into my shoulder. “And I’ve just been really wanting to explore that side of me-”

“Why so coy all of a sudden?” I cut in. Because it is becoming very clear that some people here are not getting the joke. “The way you declared your undying love for me yesterday evening, saying you’d felt that way ever since we were children!”

“That’s false,” Betty says. “Probably. Oh no. No – I’m not a jerk for saying that, am I?”

“It _has_ to be false,” Veronica spits. 

“Haha,” Archie says again. He looks very red.

“Hey, lay off them,” Kevin says, placing a comforting hand on Archie’s shoulder, like this is some weird shoulder-touching conga line thing. “This stuff can be really hard to come out about, even with people you know well.”

My grin holds, but my eye starts to twitch. They’re not… _actually_ buying this, right?

But Betty looks inordinately guilty, and Veronica is glancing back and forth between us like she’s already figuring out how she’ll deal with this new development, and Kevin just looks so gosh darned proud I want to throw up.

Before anyone else can say anything – and I’m not even sure what I would say if I had the option – the bell rings.

“We’re talking,” Veronica says to Archie, before spinning on her probably thousand-dollar heel and leaving.

“H-hey, Ron? Yeah, sure – plenty to talk about!” Archie calls, almost knocking me in his haste to untangle himself and go after her.

“Yeah, thanks for that, bud,” I say, rubbing my neck.

Kevin bounces on his heels. “I need to go or I’ll be late, but let me know if you guys wanna talk about things, all right?” He even waits for a “sure, I guess,” before heading off.

I squint into the distance. This is… not how I expected this whole ‘plan’ to turn out.

“Hey… Jug?”

And then there’s Betty, brow still thoroughly furrowed.

_Trust your instincts, Bets. You know this isn’t right._

She opens her mouth…

...and then closes it.

“We should get to class,” she murmurs.

She remains silent as we head through the halls. Sometimes she glances my way, but always turns when I go to look. It’s a weird feeling. We’ve been friends ever since we were kids, and I’ve never seen her act this way before.

It’s when I open my locker that she finally speaks.

“I guess I just wanted to say… sorry.”

I raise an eyebrow. “For what?”

She snorts. “For… everything! All that time Archie and I were dating, and I never even thought about you...”

“That’s not true.” I sigh; she looks so lost that it almost makes me want to ruffle her hair or something. “You were always willing to share Archie with me – unlike some _other_ people...”

Betty snorts, lips finally quirking. “Ronnie isn’t all bad. She’s just… _intense_ , when it comes to the people she cares about.”

I grunt skeptically. “Well, I’m the one who should be apologising to you, anyway.” She blinks in confusion. “I mean… you and Archie were…” I shake my head. “And I can’t imagine that all just disappeared. So this must be pretty weird for you...”

And there it is – she smiles, far too fondly.

“You _do_ care, you big doofus,” she says, punching my shoulder.

I roll my eyes, turning back to reach for my books. “Yeah, you get one meaningful statement per year, and that was it. Make sure to appreciate it.”

“You’re wrong, though. I actually don’t mind.”

I hum. “That’s good.” And surprisingly reasonable.

“All I ever really wanted was for all of us to be happy. If you and Archie can do that for each other… honestly, that’s just really cool!”

I pause, textbooks clasped in hand.

“And, well… I really think you _are_ making each other happy!”

She sounds so… earnest. So sure of herself.

It’s nice. It should be nice. Who wouldn’t want to hear something like that?

But something about it just… makes me shiver.

“So are you coming? Class is basically starting...”

I fumble to grab my things, uncharacteristically awkward.

“Yeah, ready to go. Set sail for learning.”

She catches my eye for just a second and smiles knowingly.

...huh.

*

School is as boring as usual, so when Mr Flutesnute rambles on about practical applications for trigonometry again (seriously, we’ve been taught this like five times, we don’t care and have all just accepted that none of this would ever be useful in the real world long ago), I try to lose myself in a daydream. But thinking about Planet Mysterium inevitably turns to Archie which turns to his plan which turns to how weird everyone was about it. I mean, Veronica acted basically like how I expected, albeit taking the whole thing way more seriously, but the conversation I’d had with Betty had just been bizarre, and I hadn’t even thought about Kevin would react.

...though, in retrospect, maybe I should have. He always _has_ been on the look-out for other gay dudes at school, even for entirely non-dating reasons.

_Ugh, why am I even starting to act like this is normal? C’mon, we’re talking about me and Archie! It’s ridiculous!_

Lunch is, thankfully, mostly as usual – Betty and Kevin seem to respect that the morning was a bit much and hold off on asking any more questions, as clear as it is that they really want to ask them. Which Veronica seems more than okay with, spending the period loudly talking about seemingly anything else she can think of. It’s the first time I can remember being glad to hear go on and on, though from the looks she sends me now and then she sure hasn’t noticed.

In the end, the next person to bring it all up is Archie himself.

“So – wanna head out now?”

“Where to?” Betty asks, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. “Pop’s?”

“Actually… I was thinking of going somewhere with just Jughead.”

I like to think of myself in general as a pretty stoic, unreadable guy. A mysterious onlooker, often. One cool goddamn dude, always. But I’m pretty sure anyone watching while Archie said that could’ve guessed how pleased it made me.

...until I remembered a moment later that this is all just because of Archie’s freaking dumb plan again.

“A date,” I say, mouth crooked. Just think of the steak.

Veronica purses her lips. Okay, yeah, that’s the other incentive.

“Yeah!” Archie beams, the same slightly gooey smile he’s levelled at Betty or Veronica countless times, and as happy as I am to spend some time with my bro for once, the effect is a little creepy. “I mean, we just started going out, and all!”

I heft my own backpack. “Where did you have in mind?”

“There’s a new movie showing at the mall I’ve been wanting to see. We could catch that?”

“A movie date? Sounds a little cliched. Thought you were more creative than that.”

“Hey – there’s nothing wrong with tradition.”

Behind him, there are Betty and Kevin, listening in like this barely even registers as out of the normal.

The idea of going on a _date_ with Archie is not exactly one I’ve longed for. But if it’s just a movie, it might not be too bad.

“...well, you got me. Let’s go.”

Archie beams.

On the way, Archie chatters on about this and that. If he expects us to actually be in physical contact in any way now, he doesn’t show it, which is both an extreme relief but also the bare minimum of sensible because everyone who knows me even slightly knows that I would literally rather die than hold hands with any other human being, ever.

At the movie theatre, there seem to be an awful lot of posters depicting swooning couples staring into each others faces from far too close a distance to actually see each other, and my foreboding triples.

“So what was the movie you were looking for?”

Archie smiles slyly, tapping his nose. “I’m surprised you haven’t heard already.”

Heard about it?

I look again.

“Holy hell, the new JSA movie is out!” I wobble on my feet, grin matching Archie’s. “With Planet Mysterium coming out on the weekend I totally forgot!”

“Right?! I was starting to get worried there – I didn’t think anything could come between you and Justice Society!”

“Yeah, well, I just didn’t think of it because it’s not exactly...”

“Not what?”

A very date-like movie.

Archie raises his eyebrows.

...but why look a gift horse in the mouth?

“...not exactly the kind of thing I thought you were into these days.” I smirk. “You barely even noticed Planet Mysterium the other day. Thought all you cared about now was low-cut shirts.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad,” Archie says, rolling his eyes. “I’m still the same guy I always used to be! I just, y’know. Also like some other things.”

A certain camping incident from not too long ago very much freaking contradicts _that_. But Archie had promised not to be so single-minded afterward that, hadn’t he?

“...man, I don’t even care,” I admit. “I just need to see some Justice Society right the hell now!”

The movie is freaking _amazing_. There’s explosions and action scenes and training montages and so many good jokes Archie and I almost fall over ourselves laughing. Between us we get like three tubs of popcorn and a bag full of candy bars and the last of it gets finished right in time for the final scene, which actually deserved to be crinkled through anyway because why are so many good movies insistent on screwing up their endings by focusing on the romance, inevitably the single most boring part of any movie?

But that bitter taste at the end barely has enough time to register before the credits come on and Archie and I are on it, talking over each other about all the many intricate ways this movie plays with Justice Society lore and introduced a whole bunch of new power ideas you never would’ve thought of and did they seriously just pay off a joke they set up two movies ago?! Only to quickly shush each other several minutes later to watch the all-important post-credits scene teasing the next in the franchise to come out by the end of the year.

“Man, that was just so good!” Archie says for like the dozenth time, but all I can do is shake my head and agree.

“Like, did you even see those effects? I could’ve almost reached out and touched that quasar dragon at that point.”

“Dude, you literally did reach out to it,” Archie laughs. “I saw you.”

“That’s the magic of cinema, my friend.” I scan our surroundings. “So, it’s no Pop’s, but wanna grab a milkshake or something?”

“How are you _still hungry._ ”

“It’s not about hunger, it’s abut the sense of total satisfaction in the world that comes at the completion of a good shake. Right before you grab a new one, anyway.”

Archie rolls his eyes, but a few minutes later, we’ve managed to grab ourselves a table in the crowded food court, slurping delicious chocolate.

Archie twirls his straw. “I still can’t work out what the teaser meant, though. Obviously they’re bringing back Hourman, but I didn’t even recognise that place he was in!”

But the sights and sounds of the crowd around have made me somewhat antsy.

“...y’know, if anyone’s looking, we don’t exactly look like we’re on a date.”

Archie coughs and swallows. “What?”

I raise my eyebrows. This is the last reminder he gets. “The date? Which we’re meant to be on, theoretically? Y’know-”

“Oh, that!” Archie laughs. “No, no – that was just about asking you!”

I wait for explanation. Archie rolls his eyes.

“The only people who know about it are Betty, Veronica, and Kevin, right? Well, none of them are here. I just wanted to ask them in front of you, and then we could hang out and do whatever we want!”

“Oh.” Well. That should’ve been obvious.

“Though if you’d rather something more romantic...”

I flick his forehead, making him yelp. But there it is again – that joy spreading through me.

“Ugh, you’re awful.” Archie rubs his head. “I just figured you’d rather go see a movie like that than anything else, anyway.”

“No, yeah, you got it. This was fun,” I say honestly.

“Well, yeah – when I’m hanging out with my best bro, how couldn’t it be?” Archie grins.

Archie, as a rule, comes up with the dumbest plans of any person I’ve ever known. But at this moment, as ridiculous as the whole thing was, this whole fake dating thing didn’t seem all that bad.

*

My good mood lasts all evening. I get a couple of texts from Betty about how things went, which I answer basically honestly – it feels weird to be sort of deceiving her, but I haven’t outright lied to her face and really, when she finds out, she should be blaming herself for buying into something so obviously dumb anyway. Hell, she might even laugh about it – God knows I plan to.

And then even Archie texts, all about some cool theories he heard about the next movie. We end up talking back and forth for over an hour, sharing opinions and repeating lines. It feels like we haven’t talked like this since… well, since the last movie came out, like four years ago. 

_What were we then – eleven? Twelve?_

Well, if it’s childish to appreciate good movies, then so help me, I am an infant.

Next morning, I’m still feeling pretty good. It’ll be annoying if we have to pretend to be a couple again, but hopefully the others have just accepted it now and we can go back to normal. Who are they to say we wouldn’t be acting like that if we really were dating?

But as I get closer to campus, people start acting… weird.

One guy seems to whisper to his friend as I go by. Another points. A girl I’ve never met smiles broadly at me for five full seconds.

Sweat starts dripping down my back.

I power walk forwards, hand already going to my phone to text him, but before I even get to the school gates there he is, walking back in the opposite direction towards me.

When we catch eyes, he jumps, mouth immediately turning in a grimace.

“Um, Juggie… I’m really sorry, but...”

“What happened.”

He flinches away from my glare. “It wasn’t intentional! I didn’t even realise what happened until I checked just now...” he waves his phone. “But, uh… since you brought up yesterday the whole thing with the date, I figured it’d actually be a good idea to post a quick pic to my feed, just to really solidify the whole thing… but I kiiiiind of sort of might have forgotten to make it friends only...”

My eyes close. I can feel my head throbbing between my brows.

Archie laughs awkwardly. “Um, this is… wayyy beyond anything I ever asked of you, huh. So, uh, please don’t feel the need to-”

“No, it’s fine.” 

I’m almost as surprised as Archie to hear it.

“Wh- really?”

I frown, trying to work through the hesitation in my chest. But hanging out with Archie yesterday had been so… great. I never get to see him like that anymore – he’s always either hanging out with Betty or chasing after Veronica. I can’t remember the last time we’ve spent time just the two of us, apart from The Incident That Shall Not Be Named (And No, This Doesn’t Count As A Name).

I seriously, _seriously_ do not want to get dragged into Archie’s soap opera style love life. But the prospect of just letting things go, and maybe not getting to hang out with him again like we did yesterday, at least for a long while… is just too shitty to bear.

I smile crookedly. “You’re not trying to back out of buying me that dinner, are you?”

Archie bites his lip. “Don’t worry about that – you went along with it for one day, so-”

“Sorry, price has gone up. I’m gonna be needing two dinners now. Maybe three – we’ll see how it goes.”

Archie blanches. “Haha, I think I might have enough for that… Are you really okay with this?”

“...’okay’ is a bit strong,” I mutter. “But nothing about this situation is screaming out great, so, whatever. It’s not like it’s for forever.”

Archie hesitates for one more moment – and then rushes forward to grab my arm (I nimbly avoid it just in time). “Thank you, thank you! I promise this isn’t going to waste – I am making so much headway with Veronica, it’s totally insane!”

“Hey, don’t make me change my mind,” I sniff, brushing off my clothing.

Archie glances behind him. “And there she is – sorry, I don’t want to make you go through with this alone, but-”

“Go ahead. It’s probably easier if we’re not together, anyway.” Archie smiles thankfully, and in a moment, he’s gone.

Well. Looks like I’m officially half of the hottest couple in Riverdale all of a sudden.

_Just think of them as your adoring fans,_ I tell myself. _Won’t be any change._

But for all that I puff my chest out and try to stride forwards like this is totally cool and I have no feelings whatsoever about everyone thinking I’m dating my best friend, it’s hard not to be distracted when seemingly everyone I pass has an extremely strong opinion on the subject they’re just dying to share.

There are the ones who share big, overblown smiles (or in one memorable case, an incredibly awkward thumbs up), like they’re desperate to seem totally okay with what’s going on. There are the ones who gossip openly without even waiting for me to leave earshot - “Did you hear Archie and _Jughead_ got together?!” “Poor Betty – first Veronica and now this!” There are the ones that roll their eyes, or frown, or sneer, and while it’s nobody I wouldn’t have considered a great person to begin with, it’s not exactly great to see my suspicions confirmed.

The second I sit down in his seat for math, Midge leans forward; I groan.

“Mr. Popular today, aren’t I?” I mumble.

She winces, but looks more sympathetic than apologetic. “Sorry – it’s just that, well… this is the first thing a lot of us have really learned about you, y’know? Who you _really_ are, not just the snarky front you put on.”

“That ‘snarky front’ _is_ me.”

She smirks. “Apparently not, loverboy. Who’d’ve known?”

I grit my teeth.

Because that’s the worst part of it, somehow. Just the thought of people prying into my private life, thinking they know me, is bad enough, and I’m not too thrilled at some of the less forward-thinking reactions. But doesn’t _anyone_ realise how absurd this whole thing is?! It’s not like I used to walk around with a sign on my chest reading ‘hey, I’m asexual, don’t touch,’ but isn’t the very idea of me and Archie shacking up too weird to even consider? Shouldn’t somebody at least be questioning it?

“Heads up!”

A dodgeball immediately pummels into me, knocking me almost off my feet.

“Jones!” The gym teacher calls out. “No zoning out! Get your head in the game!”

Swallowing down my frustration, I pick the ball up, trying valiantly to ignore Reggie’s smug face.

No dice. 

“Too busy dreaming about your boyfriend?” he calls a moment later.

I sigh. “Is that really the best you can do? What, are you gonna throw me a yo momma joke next?”

Reggie, infuriatingly, doesn’t even seem to realise how bad his own insults are. “You do seem pretty confused. You know you’re supposed to be dating girls, right? Guess that’s more for me, haw haw!”

My eye twitches, and it’s not clear whether the pain in my forehead is thanks to Reggie’s ball or just this whole situation in general.

But before I can even respond, the gym teacher calls out again.

“Mantle! You stop fooling around too!”

There’s a very particular form of humiliation that comes from having to be bailed out by a teacher and it’s abundantly clear Reggie understands this is such a case.

I grip the ball tighter, still weirdly bothered. Is this really what I’ve been reduced to? Getting hurt because of dumb insults _Reggie_ throws out?! He didn’t even get my sexuality right!

The thought of a nice, meaty lunch is all that sustains me for the last hour – no matter what happens, food will always be there for me, simple and totally free of unsolicited comments about my love life. 

But when I reach the cafeteria door, there is Archie – and Kevin.

He, too, is smiling sympathetically.

“So, how’re you holding up?

I shake my head. “Hey, I’m just here for the food.”

But Kevin’s eyes go all squinty and fond, like Jughead is the most pathetic kitten who absolutely refuses to let anyone look at its poor wi’w damaged paw.

“It really sucks that you guys had to go through this,” he says.

“Yeah,” Archie cuts in, “I’m still super, super sorry about that by the way, this is all completely my fault-”

“It was a mistake,” Kevin says. “You’re not to blame for how other people react.”

“Is that lasagne? Damn I could go for one right now.”

“That’s why I just wanted to make it clear that, well… I’m here, y’know?” Kevin smiles like a camp counsellor who considers it his life’s mission to reach troubled teens. “With me it wasn’t, uh, quite this dramatic… but I at least know some of what you’re going through.”

“Thanks, man, I really appreciate that,” Archie says in apparent sincerity.

“Yeah, cool, great,” I manage. “Anyway, delicious savory Italian cake is calling for me.” Before either can respond I push through them towards the line. 

The smell really is nice here, and seeing that glorious rhapsody of bolognese and cheese plop onto my plate really does brighten my day more than anything else so far.

But the reprieve is temporary, and in mere minutes I am forced to return to the others at the table again.

I approach cautiously, hoping to avoid being accosted by any other well-intentioned pseudo mentors, but that makes it impossible not to overhear Archie.

“I dunno, I guess it’s just something I was thinking about for a while. I like girls, obviously – nobody could deny that. But… there was always this thing in the back of my mind, that I never wanted to look at too closely.”

“Yeeeup, know that feeling,” comes Kevin.

“And it just… got louder and louder, until I kinda realised – hey, why am I even trying to fight this? Why not just… give in, and try it out? So what if I’m bi? And if I’m not, well, at least I’ll know, y’know?”

My mouth, totally despite the truly delicious pasta before me, goes entirely dry.

Sure, this was just the same stuff Archie had been saying when this first began – all that bull he’d told Veronica about wanting to explore his sexuality or whatever. At least, I’d thought it was bull. But right now, Archie seems… sincere.

Dread had been creeping up on me all day, increased bit by bit with every look sent my way, but now it expands tenfold.

This _is_ all just a plot, right? Hadn’t Archie confirmed as much yesterday afternoon with their half-assed date? Just some clichéd sitcom scheme to get Veronica jealous?

He couldn’t _actually_ have feelings for me, could he?

“Hey, Juggie!” Betty calls out.

I watch for Archie to show some surprise that I was there, but if he is, he doesn’t show it.

“Afternoon.” I slide in next to Archie and dig in, more than ready to immerse myself in the sweet, sweet cocoon of food.

“You know,” Veronica remarks, “the two of you really don’t act like a couple.”

I freeze.

And there, of course, is Archie’s arm, awkwardly slinging around my back.

“Haha, we don’t?” he says, voice high-pitched.

“Hey, lay off them,” Kevin complains. “When you’ve been taught your whole life that guys aren’t supposed to show that kind of affection for each other, it’s not so easy to unlearn in just two days.”

Veronica still looks skeptical. 

I want to say something, but it’s so hard to ignore that pressure against my shoulder. It’d been annoying yesterday, but after being on edge all day, my body is reaching sky high levels of tension.

“Uh, I don’t think it’s a learning thing,” Betty says, looking straight at me with concern. “Jughead’s always been uncomfortable with touch.”

Mercifully, Archie removes his arm.

“Oh! Yeah – sorry, didn’t think about that for a moment,” he says hastily.

I smile wanly. The mysterious, cool air I usually give off shakes like a leaf in the wind.

“Yeah, keep your hands to yourself, Andrews,” I saw between bites. “Leave some room for the holy spirit why don’t you?”

“Hm.” Kevin looks at me thoughtfully, chin in hand. “Maybe that’ll end up changing, now.”

I breathe in and out slowly and force an obviously fake smile.

“Well, I’m still ace, so I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

Kevin’s eyes widen in surprise at my tone, but he still takes a moment to hum ambiguously before he returns to his own lunch.

When I glance at Betty, she merely shrugs. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

“Ugh, I’m so tired of talking about this,” Veronica complains, and for once, I am in complete agreement.

*

After school Archie invites me out on another date.

Instantly, my head clears, remembering the good time we’d had yesterday – and then starts pounding again when I remember how he’d spoken to Kevin.

“Where did you have in mind this time?”

Archie only raises his eyebrows. “That’s a secret. But I think you’ll enjoy it.”

I waver – but only for a moment.

“All right. Let’s go!”

We take Archie’s car, which apparently is functional at least for the time being (though from the number of times Archie had to turn the key to get it running, it was a close one for a moment there), and I unload.

“Was everyone else really weird today, or is it just me? Like, literally the entire school going nuts?”

Archie raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, well, I guess that’s high school for you – people get a taste of drama and can’t get enough. The whole thing with Betty was… well, not quite as bad, but close.”

“Yeah, I’m not really enjoying being in the middle of it, this time.”

“...I still can’t say sorry enough-”

“It’s fine. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. Where are we going, anyway?”

As it happens, that is where Archie turns the car off – and into the parking lot of a familiar building.

“Laser tag?!”

Archie shrugs, but he’s smiling. “Too childish?”

“Absolutely not!” Yeah, fine. Just for today: all cool promises are off. I grin like a dork.

As the padding goes on and we receive our weapons, we make a sworn vow.

“We fight together as one,” Archie says, in total seriousness.

I nod likewise. “Allies, until the end.”

Our fists bump, sealing the pact.

From there, it’s chaos – controlled chaos. We stalk through the field, ducking under archways and hiding behind barriers. When Archie nods, we dive forward; when I gesture, we hold our position and wait.

It’s a tense match, heart-pounding from beginning to end. We pick off the other players one by one, alternating between stealthy snipes and unexpected ambushes, never letting our enemy learn our play style. At one point we remain undercover in place for five whole minutes, listening in as two of our foes discuss their plans, only to take them down ourselves right when they go to see it through – and then we go ahead with it ourselves, of course.

After an hour of intense laser soldiery, I find myself at the top of a makeshift hill, scanning for any sign of life.

“I think… that might be it,” I whisper. “That’s all of them.”

I feel it rather than hear it – a gun being raised towards my back.

I close my eyes. _Archie… curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal._

But Jughead Jones is no fool, and so I linger only for a second on the profound ephemerality of friendship during wartime before I spin, finger pulsing madly on the trigger as I aim in Archie’s direction.

He yelps as soon as I move, taking just a moment too long to fire, crouched before me.

For a few moments we continue to shoot, eyes locked – and then I snort, and he snorts, and then all of a sudden we’re both bursting out laughing.

My gun drops as I fall backwards, adrenaline all rushing out at once at the knowledge that the fight is over, until I’m flat out against the surface of the pillar we were stationed upon.

“Oh, man...” Archie continues to chuckle as he shuffles over, plopping down beside me as well, hand over his face.

“Tie?” I offer.

“Really? I’m pretty sure you got me there… so yeah, definitely tie.”

I’m still breathless from laughter and exertion and so is he, exhausted but grinning.

“Man…” Archie says eventually. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you smile this much.”

It’s hard not to feel self-conscious when someone says something like that.

“You’re smiling, too.”

“Well, yeah! But…” He shrugs, and doesn’t speak for a few moments.

I close my eyes, concentrating on my breathing. 

“...y’know, we don’t do this often enough.”

My eyes open.

There are so many things I could say in response to that. I could ask him who, exactly, he thinks is to blame for it. I could point out that I _did_ try to spend time with him very recently, only for him to get distracted five minutes in and try and take us girl-watching, without even telling me. I could force him to promise me to change that – to prove that he really means it, and isn’t just saying it off-handedly, like how he always seems to spend time with me.

...but I don’t want to. We had fun today – the most fun I’ve had with Archie in as long as I can remember. I don’t want to scare him away.

It’s pretty pathetic, honestly, how desperate I am just to spend time with the guy who’s meant to be my best friend.

“...yeah, well.” I swallow. “We’ll need to keep this dating up, so there’s plenty of opportunity.”

“Yeah,” Archie says, with feeling.

...that isn’t any kind of comfort, either.

*

The next morning, mom makes a full breakfast. Eggs, bacon, muffins, pancakes – you name it, it’s there. Never one to question a good thing, I partake with gusto without waiting for an explanation.

Over the second round of pancakes, it comes.

“You know you can tell us anything, don’t you, Forsythe?”

The name alone coming from her mouth would be enough to stand every hair on my body on end, but today, I have an awful feeling I know exactly what she’s hinting at.

“That I do, thanks mom.”

She sits down in front of me. She isn’t eating.

“We just wanted to make sure you knew that,” she says more forcefully. “We would never judge you, no matter how you decide to live your life.”

My mouth twists and I sigh loudly. This is not going to be fun.

“If you’re saying this because you heard some story about me and Archie, it’s not true. It’s all fake. He’s just making it up to get Veronica Lodge jealous.”

Back when Stanger planted a knife on me, from the moment I arrived at home, I could tell from her expression immediately that she didn’t buy it.

She’s wearing that exact same expression now but for all the wrong reasons.

“Seriously, mom!” I throw my fork to the table with a clatter; she flinches. “I’m not dating Archie! What part of that even sounds like something I’d do?”

“You’ve always been close,” she says softly.

I laugh, entirely unamused. “Yeah, as _friends_. Can nobody ever just be friends in this town anymore?”

She’s still staring at me like she thinks she can see right through me, brows drawn in an expression of exquisite pity.

“It’s not a shock to me,” she continues, ignoring me. “I accepted years ago that I couldn’t expect a traditional marriage from you-”

“I don’t want a marriage!” It explodes out of me, all the frustration of this one stupid, inexplicable week coming out at once. “Not a traditional one, and not an untraditional one, either! I’m not interested!”

And mom? She… flinches.

Looks away.

“...please, son,” she says quietly after a moment. “Don’t give up on yourself like that.”

All I can do is stare.

“I know it seems hard. But things have changed so much in the last ten years! It might feel easier to just push all of that away and pretend you don’t care, but all you’re doing is shutting yourself off from what will make you truly happy. That’s not worth it, no matter-”

My chair scrapes against the kitchen floor roughly.

“I’m leaving,” I say in a monotone.

Mom looks shocked.

“Forsythe? You didn’t finish your-”

“Don’t care,” I mutter, wasting not a single moment stalking out of the room and then out of the house.

The words repeat in my head over and over. _Don’t give up on yourself._

Any joy I still felt over spending time with Archie the day before is completely gone.

*

School is just as bad as yesterday was, if not worse.

No matter where I go, people just can’t stop talking to me, or about me, or trying to grab my attention by touching me which is the _worst_ and it takes all of my self-restraint not to literally leap away when some asshole tries something like that.

But it’s not even like everyone’s trying to be mean (though those are definitely still around). By and large, everyone just seems excited. They debate how this relationship was supposed to have started, or try and give me advice, or just act way more friendly than they ever used to with me. 

I don’t get it. Why does this fake relationship have to make such a difference?

What, did everyone actually hate me until now or something?

Kevin corners me at lunch, and he still just looks so pleased to have someone else to talk to that my guilt almost overcomes my irritation.

“I was thinking about what you said, yesterday.”

I sigh, glancing over his shoulder. “Yeah? Which part?”

“About still being asexual.”

I grit my teeth. “Yeah, actually, I’m not really feeling this today-”

“’Cause I used to think I was like that, too.”

I stop. Unconsciously, I lock eyes with him.

“...wait. Seriously?”

Kevin nods. “Yeah. Or, well – wanted to believe, more than anything, I think. It was better than admitting this was something that I actually needed, you know?”

And that’s – so freaking shitty that it makes me outright mad.

“So, what, you’re trying to tell me I’m not asexual?”

“No, no!” Kevin’s mouth opens in genuine horror. “I just – wanted to let you know that was an option! Like I said, it’s really hard to work through this stuff-”

“Then maybe you should let me do it myself rather than butting in.”

Kevin’s brows draw together. “Hey, I was just trying to help – which you seemed open to...”

_No, I wasn’t – you just didn’t leave me any other option._

“You said you wanted to be ace, at one point?” I ask, eyes narrowed in a glare. “What do you want now, then?”

The implications of that are so clear to me – but Kevin frowns instantly, like the question isn’t even worth asking.

“I want to be happy with myself as I am. And I want that for you, too.”

“Guess there’s nothing more to say, then.”

He looks hurt. But he nods and leaves.

_I am happy,_ I think. _...at least, I thought I was._

And then when I return, there is Archie, grinning like he can’t imagine a better sight.

“Juggie! Over here!”

“As though your boyfriend is gonna sit anywhere else but beside you,” Betty says, rolling her eyes.

“It pays to be sure,” he retorts.

It can’t be. Once again, our date yesterday afternoon had been purely platonic. It’s just a scheme.

When I sit, Archie watches me closely, eyes shining.

It _has_ to be.

*

“So I guess we know what you guys’s plans are for tonight.”

I raise my eyebrows; after a moment, Archie thumps his palm.

“Right – the drive-in show! I almost forgot!”

“Wait, the drive-in?” I groan. “How is that place still open? Didn’t it close down last year?”

Betty shrugs. “Teenagers just love the excuse to cosy up in cars on their own, I guess.”

“You really forgot? I didn’t expect you to be such a forgetful boyfriend,” Kevin teases.

Archie pouts. “Hey, why is it always my responsibility? Can’t Jughead be the one to ask me out sometimes?”

Betty, Kevin, and Veronica each look very unimpressed.

“No can do, Arch,” I agree, shaking my head. “My brain’s simply full of too many other things of great import to the future of the world – no room for session timetables.”

Archie sighs. “Well, whatever. Anyway, yeah, that’s on this evening, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Veronica says. “And yours truly will be there as well.”

“Wh-you will? But you don’t drive...”

“No,” she says with a devilish smirk at Archie’s dumbfounded expression, “but _Estelle_ does.”

_Romance,_ I think, as Archie visibly tries not to react too much to that announcement. _What even is it, really?_

“Well, guess I’ll see you there,” I say, waving and heading off before any of this can continue.

“I – yep! I’ll pick you up at six!”

I roll my eyes.

I wander around for a bit after that, unsure where to go. I’d almost forgotten what mom’d said this morning during the exhaustion of the school day, but now that it comes back to mind I really don’t want to see how she’ll follow that conversation up. But I don’t want to hang with anyone else, either – not when they’ll clearly be expecting me to be preparing for the date.

In the end, I find myself at Pop’s, and just the sight of it calms my soul significantly.

“Pop’s!” I call as I enter. “My good man!”

And then sweet, wonderful, reliable Pop, grunts. _Grunts!_ No well-wishing, no weird looks, no terribly flawed attempts to comfort me that only succeed in making me feel way worse than I did before – just a simple lack of care for anything about me other than my ability to keep drinking milkshakes and procuring money theretofore.

“One double chocolate milkshake for today, I think,” I say, slipping into my usual seat. “And don’t hold back on the sugar – this has been a weird-ass week and I am very much looking forward to drowning myself in sweet goodness.”

“Hm,” Pop says. “Five dollars.”

Normally this is where I’d cajole and sweet-talk my way into having that fee waived, but it isn’t in me today. “...yeah, sure. Here.”

Pop glares at the proffered bill with great suspicion.

“I’m feeling generous today,” I say.

He takes it slowly. “Well, that’s today’s, anyway. You still need to pay off your tab eventually.”

I put a hand to my chest. “And it is my deepest desire to do so.”

He rolls his eyes, but sets to work making the shake.

“Man, though. What a week. Have you ever gone through something where it feels like everyone is going crazy except you?” I slump. “I mean, I guess it’s sorta my fault in some ways, but – no, it’s Archie’s fault. All Archie. Also, everyone else in the school except me.”

“...sounds like it,” Pop mumbles.

“Is that sarcasm? I understand that some may consider me to have a tendency to boast – not I myself, of course – but in this case I think any would agree that I am merely the victim here.”

“No, I meant it.”

The shake machine starts to run, loudly.

My eyes narrow.

“...you seem awfully opinionated about something I barely started talking about.”

Pop shrugs. It’s awkward. He looks awkward.

“Kids come in here often,” he says. “From your school. They talk.”

I stare. And then lower my head into my hands.

“No. No way. Not you, too! Even here?!”

A minute later, when the shake finally arrives, Pop pushes it forward and sighs.

“...kids are cruel,” he says. “Just keep doing your own thing. Don’t let it bother ya. Not that ya ever seem to.”

And then he moves on to the next customer.

...he definitely believes it. There’s no other way to interpret what he said.

At least the milkshake is nice.

*

Once again, only the thought of spending time with Archie keeps me going til six.

I wait by the front gate; I texted mom about where I’d be, and only even came here at the last minute. She’s responded, but I didn’t check the message before swiping it off and I don’t intend to.

When Archie shows up, he’s wearing a jacket.

“Didn’t dress up?” he asks.

“That’s a hell of a greeting.” I let myself in. “Also, a jacket isn’t dressing up.”

“I think it looks nice! Just makes it a little more formal without actually having to do much, y’know?”

I chuckle. “Guess you’ve shown how much going on a date with me is worth.”

“You’re literally wearing the same clothes you’ve been wearing all day at school.”

“How do you know I don’t have a second, completely identical version of this outfit?”

Archie laughs. “You know, I could almost believe you’d put that much effort into making it look like you don’t care.”

It feels like normal, and I let myself relax a little again.

“So what’s the movie?”

“Back to the Future,” Archie says.

I whistle. “Now that’s a classic.”

“Right? I haven’t seen it since I was a kid – should be great!” He nods. “Though, sorry for inviting you out to two movies in a week – I didn’t even think that we’d be expected to come to this...”

“Nah, it’s fine. Movies are eternal.”

When we get there, the sun is setting. Archie parks the car (still miraculously working all right) and gets out.

“Might see if I can find Veronica somewhere...”

I frown. “Uh, is that such a good idea?”

He blinks.

“...this is literally a date night. She’s on a date. We’re on a date. I mean, I know you have a track record of being pretty open about the breadth of your romantic interest...”

“No, no, you’re right.” He gets back in and sits down. “It’d be kinda disrespectful, wouldn’t it...”

“And we all know how the Princess responds to disrespect.”

Archie’s eyes flashe. “I meant to you, actually. Also that sounded like some kind of tear-down but who is actually happy to be disrespected?”

“It’s nice to see you care,” I say, and I kind of – start to do it in the fake over the top parody of Archie infatuation that I have been doing, only right as I begin that sounds like a terrible idea under the circumstances of not being completely sure about Archie’s feelings, so the words end up coming out sounding way more sincere than I ever intended. Which is actually way worse.

Archie’s lips tug. “Of course I care. I always have.”

“I know, I was just – whatever.”

Mercifully, the movie begins soon after, leaving no more opportunity for me to say dumb shit (a state of being which I am entirely unused to and unprepared for).

It’s not the same as when we went to see Justice Society – there’s not a lot to talk about, apart from making fun of some of the acting or snickering at the old-fashioned technology. The cool evening breeze is a little soothing, though my awareness of all the other cars around us nullifies any positive effect that could’ve had on my mental state.

It’s still only the third day since Archie and I told our friends we were dating. The second since the school found it. It feels like a month has passed.

I slouch in my seat, glaring at the screen. I’d forgotten how much this movie revolved around romance, and now I wish I hadn’t acted so excited for it. Why does everyone keep acting like that asshole is a real contender for Marty’s mom, anyway? And could the writers really not imagine a girl meeting a guy and not being into him, even if he was literally her time-travelling son from the future?

It’s just… lonely. That’s what this week has been.

I swallow. The fact that I keep getting worked up over dumb stuff only makes it even more frustrating. Nobody’s actually done anything really bad to me. Only a few weeks ago Veronica joked that I didn’t care about anything except when my next meal would be, and now here I am getting all weird over freaking Back to the Future.

I feel Archie lean against me.

This, too, should be comforting. I always hated all that dumb macho stuff about men not being able to touch without it being gay, but something about physical contact just… freaks my brain out. Normally I don’t care, but right now, it kinda sucks that I can’t even appreciate my best friend showing he cares.

Archie leans over further. And then his head drops onto my shoulder.

My stomach drops simultaneously.

I glance in his direction – he’s still watching the movie as though everything’s normal. But for as long as we’ve been friends, I can’t remember Archie once getting all cuddly like this, at least since grade school.

Is it because someone is watching us? I look around, but everything’s dark – I can barely even see people in the other cars, let alone their relative positions. 

And that’s when my brain goes on overdrive.

Surely it’s not possible Archie sets this up as an excuse to get closer to me, right? Even he wouldn’t come up with something that dumb. Even if it does make a certain sense – someone who’d come up with a plan to date someone to make another person jealous should be able to come up with a plan to pretend to date someone so as to _actually_ date them, right? 

But, no! Archie’s never shown any kind of interest in that way with him. In fact I explicitly remember him saying otherwise on more than one occasion: “We’re not dating, Juggie.” But would I really be able to tell even if he had? I am self-admittedly awful at this stuff, and not exactly inclined to look for it from Archie.

Could Archie really be into guys? It’s plausible, sure… he’s never demonstrated it much, but he’s always had plenty of girls to occupy himself with. He and Kevin get along well enough – but so do all of us, because he’s our friend. But even if he was into guys, why on earth would he be into _me?_

My breath is coming out in starts when Archie turns his head and smiles, softly.

In an instant I push him away towards the car door.

“What are you doing?!” I blurt out.

“Ow! What was that for?” Archie rubs his arm.

“What are you doing? What was – all that for? Do you have feelings for me?”

“I was just leaning against you, it – wait, _what?!_ ”

“Do you have feelings for me,” I say. My heart has never beat faster.

Archie gapes. “Why?”

“Because you’re acting _mega weird!_ ” I throw my hands into the air, immediately regretting it as they hit against the car window, and holy shit, this is not the place for dramatic conversations. “Everyone has been, this entire week!”

Archie shakes his head. “I was just being friendly. I know you don’t normally like physical contact, but I wondered whether you wouldn’t mind in a safer environment. And I figured if you didn’t, you’d tell me so, not push me into a car door!”

“So you don’t want to date me.”

“No!” Archie shrugs helplessly. “I genuinely don’t even know why you’d think that!” He continues more quietly: “you know this is all just fake, right?”

I swallow. The worst has been evaded, but my panic still isn’t abating somehow.

“Yes, but everyone else seems to find it totally believable,” I find myself spitting. “We’ve never once shown any kind of interest like that in each other, but nope, everyone is just so gosh darned ready to get on board!”

“...well, we said we were dating,” Archie says slowly. “Why wouldn’t they believe it?”

“Because!” I shake my head, unable to prevent the word vomit now erupting. “ _I don’t do that._ I don’t date, I don’t make out – I thought I was making that pretty clear! But everyone’s acting like that’s – that’s not even an option! Like it was just inevitable I’d end up dating somebody, so why not Archie?”

Archie’s eyes are wide, but I can’t stop.

“And boy are a lot of them happy about it! ‘Oh Jughead, I’m just so happy to see you’ve found your special someone!’ ‘Oh Jughead, isn’t it great to finally be open about who you really are?’ As though I wasn’t already! No, it’s just beyond anyone’s understanding that the person I claimed to be actually was who I was, because I didn’t want to date anyone! It’s just such a relief to them, personally, to see me hitched up!

“Oh, but that’s not all, you say – not everyone is super cool about two dudes getting together, even in 2015! Well, even they make it perfectly damn clear that it’s the not dating a girl part they really object to, so it’s not like I can exactly stroll away scott free! No matter where I look, everyone has _very strong_ opinions about who they want me to date, and ‘nobody’ is never, ever an option!”

Archie looks like he’s going to cry.

“Jug – I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise all this was happening! Why didn’t you just ask to call it off?”

My hands are shaking. “Because for once you _actually seemed to want to hang out with me_ ,” I say. “So – why not, if ‘dating’ you is what it takes to do that? Hell, why not make it official? At least then you won’t just abandon me once you finally get married to Veronica or Betty or whoever the hell else-”

“Married?!”

“In the _long term!_ ”

I pant, and the car falls silent.

Archie is staring open-mouthed.

“You don’t...really believe that, do you?” he asks, finally. “That I’d just abandon you because I was dating someone?”

I struggle to retain my composure. “You might not want to, but that’s just how things go. I’m being realistic. Once you’re part of a couple, that other person is always supposed to be more important than anything else. Anything that conflicts with that...” I shrug.

“Juggie, know that I am making every effort to respect your boundaries when it comes to physical touch, but that if those barriers did not exist, I would be hugging you very tightly right now.”

I grunt. “Arch-”

“No, you listen to me, now.”

My lips purse; I don’t need the suggestion made twice.

“You,” Archie says, hand to his chest, eyes still red, “are my best friend in the entire world. You always have been, ever since we were little kids! The three of us – me, you, and Betty – I always thought of us together, even when Betty and I were dating. It’s not even that I rejected the idea of ever not being best friends with you – it honestly never even occurred to me until now!”

I sigh. “Not everyone is as understanding as Betty.”

“Then I’ll make them.” Archie frowns guiltily. “I’ll, uh… admit that I can be pretty… awkward.”

“Kind of a disaster, really,” I murmur.

“Yeah, I don’t deny that...” Archie chuckles dryly. “I’m ridiculously clumsy and I screw things up all the time and I can just get so single-minded I can barely notice what’s going on around me. And you’ve always tried to help me out in spite of that, save me when I’m really in trouble… but I haven’t given back to you enough. You’re right – I wasn’t thinking of you as much as I should’ve. I guess it was just...so obvious to me that we were best friends and were always going to be together that I didn’t realise it could come across any differently.”

Shit. I turn away, swallowing heavily.

“I promise you – we will always, always be best friends. I don’t need anything else from you – as long as you can be my friend, I’m happy.”

I sigh, loudly, and try to ignore the shudder in my breath.

“Damn. Well.” I scratch at my hair, shielding my face. “I guess – um.”

“You can be sincere for one sentence.”

“I have been way too goddamn sincere for way too long and I am reaching maximum capacity.” I swallow again. “But, uh… thanks. That… really does mean a lot.”

For a few moments, we sit in silence. The movie continues on in the background – they’re up on the clocktower now, so clearly things are getting real, so I can only pray to God that all the action scenes up til now have been loud enough to muffle the most embarrassing argument, ever.

...but we’re friends. And for the first time in I don’t know how long, a weight on my back just… disappears.

“...for real, though. Me having feelings for you?” Archie snorts. “Please tell me where you got that idea.”

I shove his shoulder lightly. “It’s all because you’re such a goddamn liar. All that stuff about ‘exploring your sexuality’? Please.”

“...oh. Uh.” Archie twiddles his fingers, suddenly coy. “That, uh… that part was actually kinda… true.”

I pause. “It – was?”

Archie nods. “Yeah! Everything I was telling Veronica, that was all me genuinely trying to be honest. It was just when she asked for proof that I kinda… panicked.”

“So you are into guys.”

“Maybe!” He waves his hands. “I don’t know? And, okay, yeah, maybe a part of me did think that this might be not such a bad opportunity to see how that might go? But… no. No, no, no. Not with you. That, uh, didn’t work at all.”

I snort. And then my shoulders shake and my head falls into my hand.

Archie hums. “...yeah, you said something about a disaster, right?”

“That was too light a word,” I mumble.

“Hey, this one isn’t all on me, though. You were jumping to conclusions, too!”

“Not even remotely the same.” ...though it is, maybe, just a little.

Archie chuckles too, shaking his head.

“...so. What do we do now?” he asks.

“Break up,” I respond immediately.

Archie winces. “Yeah, I thought so. But man… I feel like I should come clean, but I kinda doubt anyone would even believe it at this point...”

“Just say you wanted to try it out and got me involved reluctantly but it was a total failure.”

“...okay, turns out we can tell the truth, I guess.”

“I mean, that’s what the school gets. Betty and Kevin… probably ought to know the rest of it.”

Archie winces.

“I leave Veronica to your discretion.”

Archie winces harder.

“So, good luck with that!” I say, clapping him on the shoulder.

He mumbles nervously.

“Ugh, it’s not gonna be that bad. We all know you. This isn’t even the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you.”

“...still.” He twiddles his fingers. “To be honest, even before this thing got started, I wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea… I just didn’t want to admit to Veronica I was an awkward dork who gets flustered and says random stuff, y’know?”

“Archie,” I assure him emphatically, “nobody who spends more than five minutes in your presence could not work that out.”

Archie groans. “Sometimes it just happens, you know? Stuff just...comes out of your mouth! And then it’s out there! But, whatever. This whole thing spiralled wayyy further than I ever expected, but… it was my fault to begin with. I’ll let everyone know, and make it clear it was all my idea.”

“Thanks.” I rub my hand over my face. “Okay, now that all the sentimental stuff is over, are we gonna watch this movie or not?”

Archie immediately brightens like a little kid. “Yeah! Man, I can’t believe we’re missing this – it’s even better than I remembered! Definitely one of my favourites!”

“Even if it’s kinda dumb, when you think about it.”

“It is _without flaw_ and I will not hear such slander.”

I laugh, and Archie grins, and for the rest of the evening, I don’t think about anything else.

*

We hang out in the car talking for a while longer before Archie brings me home, so by the time he remembers that we never even saw Veronica, she’s clearly already left. He doesn’t even really seem disappointed, though.

“All I’d really do is say ‘hey,’ anyway,” he says with a shrug.

Waving at my best friend from the porch, I’m in good spirits when I open the door.

Kinda forgot about the whole situation with my mom, if I’m honest.

“Jughead,” she says from the couch, and though it still sounds weird hearing that name from her mouth, it’s a hell of a lot better than ‘Forsythe’.

“...oh. Hey.”

“I got your message, that you were out with Archie at the drive-in.”

I shrug, heading into the kitchen to get a drink of water. She follows. “Yeah, well, someone asked if we would, and we had to keep up the charade we were dating, so we kinda had to. But we decided that the whole thing has gone on long enough, so, we’re coming clean now.”

“I see. That’s… I see.”

I take a long draught. She stands in the doorway, awkwardly.

When I finish, I raise my eyebrows. “You gonna let me through?”

It’s as though she was waiting for a prompt. “I’m sorry for what I said this morning, sweetie. I talked about it with your dad-” I wince. “-and, well, he’s right – I’ve been too preoccupied with your future. None of that matters, now. All you need to do is be a kid, and as a parent, I can’t be prouder of how you’re doing. After everything that happened with your father’s company, I know things have been difficult. But you’ve adapted so, so well.”

I resist the urge to shift uncomfortably. She still doesn’t seem to understand the problem – either that, or she doesn’t believe that I’m actually pretty sure I do know what I want. But even if I wanted to explain it, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I take a moment, remembering today – and my tension ebbs away. Mom has a long time to get used to this, and I know that, if nothing else, I’ll have Archie in my corner.

“Thanks.” I put the glass away. “Appreciate that.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

I shake my head. “Never thought any differently.”

That seems to satisfy her, and she sags in relief. “Well, as long as you know that. I’ll be off to bed, then – good night.”

Up in my room, I mess around on my computer for a while. About an hour after I got home, I get the alert.

Hi, Riverdale – I have another announcement to make today. I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that @jugheadjones and I are dating. Now, I wanna say to begin with that we’ve both been super stoked by how great everyone’s been about that! Everyone’s been so nice and supportive and it’s been really great! But… uh, there’s a lot I need to correct, too. The fact is, we weren’t really ever a couple, actually? I was kind of interested in trying a few things out so we went on a few dates – that’s as far as things ever got. And honestly I kinda had to talk Juggie into even that? But obviously things didn’t really work out so all of that is over now. Sorry for kinda letting people think things were more serious than they were, but we really didn’t expect this to get out, and had no idea how to tell everyone, to be honest? But here I am, obviously, so… that’s it! Oh, and none of this is anyone’s fault, or if it is then it’s probably mine, so please just blame me for the whole thing. So now that’s actually it.

I chuckle, wondering how many times Archie had to rewrite that. But just knowing that nobody will be expecting me to be anyone’s boyfriend anymore is another huge relief.

Til my phone buzzes, anyway.

Betty  
I just saw the post!! Juggie, what’s going on? Is what Archie said for real?

I grimace.

nah.

I mean to the extent that we ever actually dated at all

that was fake.

After a few moments, my phone buzzes again – and again and again.

My head pounds and I sigh. It’s too late for this. And even if this was Archie’s plan to begin with, and Betty really should have known better, I do still feel sorta a little kinda bad for misleading her.

The day’s gone on long enough already. I put the phone away and get ready for bed.

*

Next morning, I have a text from Archie – we’re meeting up at Pop’s.

The prospect of reading through Betty’s messages from last night (not to mention the handful of others he got from everyone from Kevin to Dilton) is not the greatest? So I resolve to make a fresh start when I get there.

It might not’ve been the best idea though because the moment I step inside, Betty and Kevin are already there, and neither look happy at all.

“What the hell is going on?!” Betty exclaims, hands on her hips.

“...it was Archie’s idea? And I had no choice?”

“Oh, yeah – poor, innocent Jughead. I’m sure he took terrible advantage of your oblivious naivete.”

“Got it in one. Hey, Pop – gimme a lime this time.”

Betty folds her arms then puts them on her hips again, like she’s too mad to stay in one place. Kevin just looks exasperated.

“Tell me what is up. Were you dating or weren’t you?”

“...we weren’t. Archie wanted us to pretend, so we could make Veronica jealous.”

“What? That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”

“That’s what I said!” I throw my hands up.

“So why did you go along with it, then? Mr Doesn’t Like To Be Touched?”

“Because it was such a dumb, bad idea that I didn’t expect anyone to actually believe it! And then once you all did, well, we had no idea how to get out of it! Also, he promised to pay for three nights at that new steak restaurant.”

“So I’m dumb, am I?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t have thought so? But in this case… kinda, yeah.”

Kevin’s eyes go very wide; he still hasn’t spoken. Betty goes very, very red.

“Of course I didn’t believe it!” she spits. “It made no sense! You have never, in your entire life, expressed any interest in anyone – and then all of a sudden, you and Archie are dating, out of the blue? There’s no way I wouldn’t have realised it if you were getting feelings for him. And you didn’t exactly put on a good performance, either. I’ve known you both since we were kids, of course I guessed something was up.”

...well, damn.

I frown, genuinely frustrated. “Then why did you just go along with it?”

“Because _you said it!_ ” Betty stamps her foot on the ground, angrier than I’ve ever seen her. “Archie stood right next to you and said you were dating and you didn’t say a thing! Why should I think I know you better than you do?! It’d be ridiculously arrogant to just be like ‘nope, sorry – I know you say you’re doing this, but you’re really not – I know better!’ I was trying to _respect_ you, you idiot!”

A bell rings; Archie stands in the doorway, awkwardly.

“...um. I guess you’ve… explained already, then?”

Betty huffs, levelling me a final glare before she returns to her uneaten, giant sundae. 

For the first time since this first began, I really, sincerely regret involving Betty in this.

I hadn’t intended to really open up much, here – I’d had more than enough of that with Archie last night for a lifetime. But I’m pretty sure Betty isn’t gonna be convinced with just a flippant response anymore.

“...sorry.” I sigh, avoiding Archie and Kevin’s gazes. “I just… thought I’d made it clear I wasn’t interested in all that, so it was kinda… weird… that everyone accepted it just like that. I… don’t really like people thinking of me in that way.”

“Why not?” Betty asks, but it sounds like a genuine question this time.

“I don’t know!” I scratch the back of my neck. “It’s uncomfortable! I’m uncomfortable with it! Even just the thought of me doing all that lovey-dovey stuff gives me the shivers! Even when it’s other people doing it, I wanna get out of there – when I’m the subject, it’s seriously awful! I don’t want people to think about me that way. Especially if they’re gonna act like this is some great, wonderful thing when to me, it really isn’t.”

“And that’s why you decided to pretend to be dating Archie.”

“Okay, one, as I’ve already said, I didn’t expect it to get further than him saying it and you guys calling bullshit. Two, I _seriously_ didn’t expect anyone else to hear about it, let alone the whole school. Three, I honestly didn’t realise it’d be that bad.”

“...so, uh.”

All heads turn to Kevin; he twists with clear discomfort.

“I, uh, guess that’s my cue to say something.”

Archie and Betty look curious, but I shake my head.

“Dude, it’s fine. Obviously all of this meant something different for you, but-”

“Not gonna lie. When I first read that post, I was pretty...confused. And kinda mad.” He pursed his lips. “I felt kinda… I don’t even know. But then when I thought about it, I realised that I should’ve seen this coming. Which made me mad at myself for being such an idiot.”

“Um,” Archie says, but everyone ignores him.

“I honestly didn’t even think about what I said to you the other day. But, wow… I really, really should have.” He sighs, putting his head in his hands for a moment. “I’m so sorry about that. I got so caught up in trying to say the things that I needed to hear back when I was in that position…that whole time, I was actually just projecting myself onto you two.”

“Um!”

I shrug. “That’s not such a bad thing.”

“It is when I end up, like, making you feel like you need to be just like me to be okay. I’ve felt like that so many times and I’m so mad at myself for doing it to someone else. So – I’m really sorry about that. I guess I just… don’t really know enough about being ace. I shouldn’t’ve tried to comment on it.”

It’s funny – even though neither of us are straight, I haven’t always felt like Kevin really saw me in the same way. He’d even called that date with Sabrina ‘boring heterosexual activity’ which was totally freaking unfair because I hadn’t even wanted to go on that date and had only done so because everyone else practically forced me into it but I’d been pretty distracted by the fact that I was _on a date_ to really react to anything else at the time so it just sorta slipped past.

Right now, though, I feel like we’re maybe on the same team.

“...thanks.”

“Um!!”

Everyone turns to look at Archie; he jumps.

“What?” Betty asks.

He’s blushing, mouth opening and closing.

“Um,” he says, “I feel like there’s maybe been another misunderstanding here?”

As one, Betty and Kevin frown, brows lowering.

“Hey, this is something that I actually didn’t want to post on Facebook for everyone to see and it seemed weird to say it over text too?”

“Yes…?” Betty prompts.

Archie shuffles and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I just, feel like everyone is assuming here that I’m totally straight or whatever and was just doing this for funzies, and I’m not gonna claim my motivations are totally pure or anything, or even that I actually know for sure anything either way, but the possibility that I might be kinda more bi is very much on the table and that was maybe part of why I wanted to go ahead with this.” He pauses, then adds hastily, “though, again, obviously, not with Juggie. Nope, bad idea.”

Kevin’s eyes widen, gears clearly turning in his head. Betty blinks, then just says: ‘huh.’

“...I mean like I said I don’t actually know anything so I don’t wanna – uh – like feel free to hold on to that anger for if I do turn out to be straight I guess-”

“What? No. That’s not how it works.” Kevin smiles again, and from Archie’s hesitant brightening, it seems clear he is way more amenable to the whole queer mentor deal than I was. “Most of us had to start somewhere, right?”

“Uh – most of us?”

“Yeah, I knew since I was five. Sometimes happens. Not for everyone, though.”

Betty just shakes her head. “This conversation has not turned at all out like I expected,” she admits. “And that’s after last night didn’t, either. Also, the day this first started. It’s been a weird week is what I mean.”

“ _God,_ yes,” I concur.

“So, let me get this straight.” She points at Archie. “You wanted to get with Veronica while simultaneously testing to see if you might be able to be into guys?”

“I mean with the whole thing with Estelle the conversation turned that way and I wanted to be honest but then she asked me something and I panicked-”

“Yes, no, that makes perfect sense now in my head.” She turns to me. “And you went along with it because he promised – steak, did I hear that? - and it was obviously going to fail, not realising how intense this was gonna be.”

“That’s it.”

Betty looks back and forth, finger moving from one direction to another, until she collapses onto her arms.

“...please, I love you both, but the next time you get involved with something this dumb, could you at least tell me beforehand?”

“Trust me, I am never, ever going out on a date again in my life. I should’ve listened to my gut before with Sabrina and I _definitely_ should’ve learned from that this time.”

“Because you’re ace,” Betty says.

I huff, eyes flicking away. Welp, probably not gonna get a better opening than that.

“Yeah. And not the dating kind, either. Completely, definitely, no interest in all that romantic stuff at all, over here.”

“Aromantic,” Betty says.

It’s...weird, hearing it out loud. I’ve never actually heard it before.

Betty smiles. “I mean, I wanted to be a good friend, you know? So when you said you were asexual, I did a bit of research. Always felt that term fit you, too, but… well, I didn’t want to _assume_ , you know?” She raises her eyebrows pointedly.

“I… yeah. That – does make sense.” Shit, I’m stammering. Everyone’s probably staring. 

But she said that while smiling. That’s the first time anyone has ever seemed… happy at me being the way I am.

I cough. “So, yep – aro ace, that’s what I am.” I turn to the counter. “Anyway, didn’t I order a milkshake? I can’t believe we’ve been talking this long without me getting some food. We’re literally in Pop’s Diner – I have absolutely set a new record for longest time in here without eating.”

All tension from earlier in the day has dissipated. Betty happily tucks into her half-melted sundae, while Kevin and Archie order ice cream as well. Kevin grills Archie about the dates, which Archie seems only too keen to go into depth about, while I scroll through my texts, reading out the weirdest ones to Betty.

“Can you believe this – _Cheryl_ sent me a text. ‘Haha, looks like you weren’t good enough for my Archie  <3’ Did she even read the post?”

“I’m not sure she can read at all,” Betty admits, then rears back, scandalised at her own insult, while I burst out laughing.

The bell at the front door rings again, and it takes me a moment to look up.

Sabrina stands before our table, phone in hand, one eyebrow raised. 

“So,” she says, “for someone who doesn’t date people, I sure have some _very_ confusing posts right here.”

On the bright side, she really does seem more confused than anything.

_For real_ , I think. _No dates ever again. It never, ever ends well._

I sigh. “Yeah, I can explain. So, uh… are you familiar with the term ‘asexual’?”

She wasn’t. But people can be okay sometimes. And in her case at least, she’s willing to learn.


End file.
